Momentum

Normally, this is where I would give my stats for Camp Nanowrimo, but I haven't actually figured out how much I've written in the last couple of days. I do seem to be falling into a bit of a trap with regards to moving things along. As in, they aren't moving all that quickly. And it's hard to tell if that's because I'm more focused on discovery writing what's going on, or if it's because I've only been writing a couple hundred words here and there, so it feels like I'm not moving very fast.

One of the nice things, though, is that I'm learning an awful lot about my characters and the world I've built over the years that I apparently didn't know before. For example, the bookstore that Jonathan loves so much is apparently in something like a knowe? I haven't decided if that means it's actually run by the fae or not, but probably.

It's been an interesting couple of weeks, is what I can say. I'm trying not to make this blog into a "the world is full of awful and needs to knock it the hell off" rant-fest, but seriously. Could we maybe have a week where that doesn't end with a list of people murdered? Please?

Words fail

The last week and change have been an example of the worst in humanity. So many people have died, and for what? For the religion they practice, the color of their skin, their chosen profession? For being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and getting caught in the hate that drove someone to decide people needed to be destroyed?

These aren't good deaths, noble deaths. These aren't the inevitable deaths of people who have lived good, long lives and are now ready to move beyond them. These are people who are cut down, treated like things, handled like something inconsequential. Each and every one of them was a life - a full, complete person, with people who loved them. With histories. With hopes and fears and plans that didn't include dying in an explosion in a mosque or being shot by the people we expect to protect us.

What do we do now? How do we reconcile a world that contains beauty and joy and love with a world that allows this kind of hatred and violence to happen on a regular basis? How do we convince ourselves, our families, our friends, that this is a world worth fighting for? And how do we actually fight for it?

I have plenty of words for the anger and fear I feel, but answers? Plans, and things we can do to keep this from happening again?

That's where the words fail.

Numb

I'm writing this on Sunday evening, and I'm still trying to make sense of things. The shooting in Orlando was the first thing I read when I woke up, and I'm still not sure how to move forward.

I should be more angry. I should be in tears, railing against the hate of humanity, the senseless violence. I should be reaching out to everyone, getting comfort from the people around me and providing as much comfort as I can. Instead, all I feel is helpless.

I feel like there's nothing I can do, nothing tangible that I can do to make this kind of thing stop. I feel like I don't have a right to be angry on the behalf of people I've never met, who are part of a community that I've never fully been a member of. I find myself paralyzed, and I don't know how to move forward.

I can only pray for healing for the people affected by this tragedy. Even that feels like empty words, but I don't know what else I can offer.