A Day Without Women

I'm not the best when it comes to protesting. I'm well aware that there are some things going seriously painfully badly in the US, and it's difficult to figure out what to do or how to do it. Things like marches and rallies are a great way to make grievances known, but they're not exactly what you'd call "anxiety friendly." Add to that a problem with large crowds of people, and I'm not marching anytime soon.

It means that I feel like I can't always help out in the fight. There are certainly groups of protesters who believe that if you don't make the effort to show up in person, you're not really dedicated to the cause. While intellectually, I know this is not true, it still stings. There's always the question of "am I doing enough?"

March 8 is International Women's Day, and in conjunction with that, the organizers of the Women's March are planning A Day Without Women. I'm planning to take part in this, but I admit to being a bit afraid. The goal is to be disruptive, make it clear that society can't function without contribution from everyone, and that everyone should be respected for their contributions. These are all ideals I can get behind.

On the other hand...the idea of being purposefully disruptive is anathema. Whether it's what I absorbed as a child, how my anxiety and depression interact, or some form of lessons from the media, I have a deep-seated fear of rocking the boat. Keeping my head down and my mouth shut has been the mantra for most of my adult life, and the idea of doing anything other than that is terrifying. What if my manager decides that I'm not sufficiently dedicated to my job? Worse, what if he decides that he doesn't actually need my work? What if I'm making too big of a deal out of things? After all, I'm privileged in a lot of different ways, not least of which being that I can even contemplate taking a random Wednesday off from work in protest.

As of right now, I've messaged my manager and told him I will be out on Wednesday. I sincerely hope my doubts don't make me change my mind. For those of you who wish to help the fight but aren't in a place to stop working for a day, limiting your spending (if possible) on Wednesday sends a strong message, too. Also, just keep the conversation going. Write letters, make phone calls, tell the people who are supposed to represent you and your interests what they need to do better.

You do what you can, and I'll do what I can. Together, we'll make a difference, no matter what anyone else says.

What you do when you're not doing anything

I swear the title makes sense. I'm talking about those times when you aren't actively writing or making something, or when you're not moving around much (like when you're riding the bus for example). Do you sit still? Do you have to have something to keep at least part of you occupied?

I've always been a fidgety person. Most of the reasons why I wear rings beyond my wedding set is so I have something to play with on each hand, particularly if I'm sitting in a meeting and listening to someone speak. I'm not entirely sure why, but my focus seems to be directly connected to my hands.

A couple of years ago, my office had to evacuate due to a threat to the building that the authorities felt was credible. (Spoiler: nothing happened in the end, thank heavens.) I've found that my anxiety is much more likely to rear its ugly head when I have just enough information to know that Something Is Wrong, but not enough information to make any sort of a plan. Naturally, this kind of evacuation put me squarely in that category.

Fortunately, when we were evacuated, we were told to grab all of our things and prepare to make "alternative work arrangements" as no one knew how long we would be away from our building. My bag included my project bag, with a scarf I was crocheting at the time. After milling about for around five minutes, getting closer and closer to a panic attack, I finally pulled out my crochet and got to work. The pattern was fairly simple, so it didn't require a lot of attention, but it forced me to calm my hands down enough to get the yarn moving. It gave me an outlet to get rid of some of the nerves that were flowing, and it helped me calm down. It also confused my manager and coworkers, but they've gotten used to me by now.

I like putting my characters in different situations and seeing how they react, as it helps me learn more about their basic personalities. Figuring out how my characters handle time in which they aren't or can't actively do something can be a defining characteristic, I believe. I don't know how nuts it would drive some of them, or if they would be relieved to take a moment to breathe. Only one way to find out!

Coping mechanisms

I've been pretty fortunate lately, in that my anxiety has been on the low-grade, constantly running side, as opposed to leaking into full-on panic attacks. That was not so much the case this morning. It's been several months since I've woken up having a hard time breathing, much less focusing on getting myself together and getting out the door.

I'm very lucky, in that my office has quiet rooms available when needed. I spent a couple of hours in one yesterday, and revelled in having a (small) room to myself, that I could keep as dark as I needed, and couldn't hear the conversations of people around me. It gave me a chance to pull myself together, and deal with the headache that had been brewing for the entire morning at the same time. I just needed to get there today, and I knew I would be all right.

In order to get to work, I (or my husband) drive to the train station, and I then take a light-rail train to downtown, walk a couple of blocks, and end up in my building. On a good day, this isn't a problem. On a bad day, there are far too many people on the road and on the train, and I have no way of getting off the train (or so it seems) if anything should happen. It's very easy for my brain to start catastrophizing all the ways in which my personal world will end, and I freeze up. I froze up this morning.

Eric, bless him, managed to help me thaw out. He got what clothing I needed, and then talked me through getting everything on. Once I get dressed for the day, the momentum starts going toward "getting out the door" as opposed to "curling up in bed". He also made sure that Daisy was available for cuddles, which is always helpful. She's a very intuitive cat, and will come to you if something's wrong.

At the time, I almost resented his pushing, not letting me collapse on myself and wallow in my panic. Then I remembered something that I've been trying to focus on - I need to be useful. If I give myself a purpose, I know I can pull myself along until the momentum kicks in. Having something that needs to be done, being useful to other people - they're what kick-starts the engine when it's stalled out by panic.

I'm mostly writing this to remind myself of what worked for me. I know it won't always work - I know that there are times when the engine will just stay stalled, and I'll need to turn it off and give it a moment before trying to start again. But for today, at least, it's worked. I'll take what I can get.

Audiobooks and Crafting

If I'm not actively reading, I'm probably listening to an audiobook. The advent of headphones and portable media devices has been, in my opinion, the single greatest technological advance for introverts in the history of the world. It allows me to not only ignore the people around me, but also listen to some of my favorite books! It does, however, mean that I will occasionally burst out laughing at seemingly nothing, but I'm used to the strange looks by now.

The other important thing for me while on my daily commute by public transit is to have something to do with my hands. If I'm reading, well, that takes care of things; however, many mornings I'd rather do something else, while listening to a book. And lo, the power of crochet kicks in.

I spend a fair amount of time making things for people other than myself, mostly because I will actually finish something I'm making for someone else. I may still have a blanket that I started working on when my husband and I were first dating...twelve years ago. It's maybe a third of the way done.

At any rate, the combination of a good book on audio and something useful for my hands to be doing makes that first and last part of the work day something that helps me deal with the anxiety levels. There are days, of course, when just leaving the house is too much for me, but on those borderline days, being able to focus on the world of a book and the yarn and hook in my hands is enough.