The musical Rent 20+ years later

Surprising absolutely no one, I was a theater kid growing up. I think I heard my first musical when I was about 11 or 12, and I never looked back. In 1996, the musical that all the theater kids fell in love with was Jonathan Larson's Rent.

As a kid growing up on military bases for the US and passing for white, I admit that I didn't really get a lot of the themes of the musical when I first heard it. It didn't keep me from listening to it over and over, memorizing the lyrics of "La Vie Boheme" even though I didn't understand all of the references. It was the show everyone was talking about.

This past weekend, I came across the movie of the musical that was released in 2005. I'd seen the show performed once in a theater, but never watched the movie, and so I decided to take a look.

The first thing that hit me was how many of the lyrics I still remembered - it's probably been at least 15 years since I've listened to the cast recording, but there it all was again. The second thing I noticed was how much of a jerk Roger is, holy hell. How that character didn't get just clocked, I'll never know.

Finally, the songs were a little different this time around. I always found the melody of "Will I?" haunting, and listening to it this time was no exception. But the first time I heard it, I was 15 - reasonably healthy, if a little out of shape; starting to feel the first signs of depression and anxiety, but not to the point that they were taking over my life. The idea of wondering if I would die without my dignity was incredibly far off to me.

Now? I'm 36. There are days when the depression and anxiety work together in their efforts to destroy me. My physical health is full of chronic problems that flare whenever they want to, meaning a "good" day could mean only needing a cane, or having a headache that doesn't leave me longing for the dark and the quiet. I've watched parts of my family come apart, and worked on creating a family of my own. The questions of that song are a lot more relevant to my interests these days.

Will I lose my dignity?
Will someone care?
Will I wake tomorrow
From this nightmare?

Music to fight by

Music has always been a pretty important part of my life. I have a hard time focusing if I don't have something playing in the background, and I love a good playlist.

At the end of last year, I put together a playlist called "Not Yet Dead Dammit," just to help me remember that I was going to get through the rough times. Now that things are coming to a head, and the Malevolent Cheeto is actually taking office, I know a lot of us are worried. Terrified, angry, sad - there are a lot of emotions running wild right now, and it's unlikely that that will change anytime soon. I've added some new songs to the playlist, and they all fall into one of three categories: call to action (lots of angry, "things are broken and we need to fix them" songs), celebration (primarily things that remind me that I'm still here in spite of everything), and rest (songs that remind me to take a breath, that I can't keep up the fight if I don't let myself recharge).

I know it may not be a great solution for everyone, but just the exercise of putting the playlist together helped me get into a good head space for the times to come. Things are frightening, and it feels like the US is on the precipice of disaster; there's still so much we can do to pull ourselves away from the edge.

To everyone marching and protesting this weekend, please be safe, and thank you for getting the message out.

Aphantasia - no "mental images"

Recently, I read an article about how it's possible to live without the ability to imagine...well, anything, really. There are people who are incapable of visualizing things, or imagining sounds, or anything along those lines. For those people, the "mind's eye" is purely metaphorical.

Naturally, this made me wonder about the way my brain works and thinks. I frequently day-dream, occasionally in full-color video or pictures, but often just in sound and sound effects. I can distinguish various voices when they run through their paces in the soundstage of my mind. Hell, certain music shows up as different colors when I hear it.

The idea of not having any of that - of not being able to picture, say, my father's face or my mother's laugh, of not having a way to revisit memories without some form of memory aid - makes me incredibly sad. I realize that, in the article I linked to above, the writer was unaware of what he was missing, as he didn't know this was something the human brain was capable of doing. And maybe it wouldn't be so bad, if you didn't know.

What do you think? Would you prefer to not be distracted by the images and sounds in your mind?

Music and Memory

I usually have some kind of music going on in the background, pretty much continuously. I have always been the kind of person who operates better with some kind of background noise, rather than complete silence. I'm also a big fan of putting together thematic playlists, usually on my iPod. By 'thematic', I mean things like 'Chair dancing' or 'Sleepy time' or 'I hate everyone/Stompy music'. Once I find a playlist I like, I can put it on shuffle and repeat and listen to it for quite some time.

Unfortunately, I have a terrible memory for names and song titles, so half the time, I don't actually know what I'm listening to. It means that a song will come on the radio, for example, and I'll suddenly have memories of studying Spanish in the library stacks while I was in college, but I won't necessarily be able to place why. A lot of people have this same phenomenon with scents, in that a scent they don't consciously notice will bring up memories out of nowhere. For me, music does the same thing.

There are plenty of times, though, when a song comes on and a memory comes through that just makes me happy. A lot of oldies remind me of long car rides with my family, as my father was a big fan of the golden oldie station. Country music of the 1990s makes me think of Mom, as that's when she started listening to a lot of country. (We lived in Spain at the time, and the one English radio station was the Armed Forces radio station, and skewed heavily toward the country side.)

One day, I'll actually try to organize some of my music based on the kinds of memories they give me, as that will help me figure out which songs are which, for one thing. In the meantime, I'll just live with the knowledge that any given song may bring me back to a place in the past. At least, for a little while.

Writing environments

Everyone writes differently, and it takes everyone a little bit of time to get themselves in "the zone".  I've started meeting with a local, non-work writing group on Saturday mornings, and the vibe between that and my work-related writing group is very different.

There's been a lot said about making the perfect writing environment, and getting yourself in the right mind set to write.  I've also heard that some writers try to avoid relying on specific rituals and setting up the perfect place, because it limits when and how you can write.  I can see both sides of the coin, and for myself, there are a couple of things that help, but I don't think they're absolutely necessary to get me to write.  They certainly help, and I definitely feel more productive when I have them.  It's pretty clear when you see what I carry in my bag with me at all times - a way to write, a way to listen to music, and a way to read.

Music is something I have to have in pretty much all parts of my life.  I always have either music, podcast, or audiobook going at my desk at work and when I'm on the bus or train to and from work.  I am a big fan of playlists, and have several of them that help with different moods I'm in.  If I'm trying to write and particularly if I'm editing, I need to listen to something that doesn't have the kind of lyrics that will distract me.  Rodrigo y Gabriela and any performance of Andrés Segovia's work are high on the list of music that I can write to.

Reading has always been something that I need to do in order to feel like myself.  I used to carry at least two or three paperback books with me at all times (which helps explain why I've always carried large messenger bags, instead of dainty purses), but thanks to the beauty that is the e-reader, I'm able to carry essentially all of my favorite and new books with me at all times.  It's been one of the best ways to help me come down from an anxiety attack, as it allows me to remove myself from whatever situation has triggered me by taking me away for a minute.

This is where my writing habits come into play.  If I can have some music to put in the background, and a moment to read to clear my mind, whether it's on a full laptop or just scribbling on a notepad, I feel like I can move forward.  It won't be the most polished sometimes, but I don't need to make every sentence perfect (as anyone who's ever been one of my beta readers or even reads this blog can tell).  It gives me a conduit to exorcise the words floating around my head, and that's what I need.

What about you?  Do you need to have the perfect environment to get the creative juices flowing, or can you write anywhere, any time?

This week, I was only able to work four of the last seven days.  The week essentially kicked my butt, but I'm gearing up for the next week and I fully intend to make a comeback this week.  Wish me luck.